


Avoiding Feelings

by Twitchprimes



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28445409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twitchprimes/pseuds/Twitchprimes
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING. This story talks about serious topics such as depression, anxiety, self doubt, ADHD, and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read this if you are easily triggered.George has been having trouble coping with the process of being a youtuber, he doesn't know who to turn to for help and is becoming hopeless as his mental health declines daily.What happens when his friends Dream and Sapnap continue to check up on him until he has no choice but to accept help? read to find out.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	Avoiding Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. This story talks about serious topics such as depression, anxiety, self doubt, ADHD, and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read this if you are easily triggered. This is mainly just me projecting onto George, I'm sorry George.  
> Also I do not ship real people but I do not have a problem with people who do ONLY if the content creators have stated that they are ok with shipping. Please do not ship people if they are not fine with it. Thanks.  
> If any of the CC's in this fic are uncomfortable with the content that I have created I will take it down.

George was once again staying up late editing a video. It was past 6am and he had been desperately trying to keep his eyes open. He knew he probably should get some shut eye, and he knew that Dream or Sapnap would scold him if they knew he was up at this hour, but he was determined to get this uploaded on time. 

He would feel like he was slacking if he didn’t get it uploaded on time. He also knew that it would make multiple people’s day’s, so he had to make them satisfied. 

As a content creator he tended to make the mistake of focusing on what his fans wanted from him instead of what he needed to do for himself. He’s been streaming more often and has been trying to be more upbeat because that’s what famous youtubers do. 

He’s been doing a lot of research on how to become a better youtuber and how to gain a wider audience. Even though he had a lot of fans he knew he could do better than he was already doing.  
He’s always been a little too hard on himself.

Like if he was a day behind schedule then he would stay up 2 more nights in a row without any sleep in order to make up for it. Slacking off to him meant that people would stop liking him. 

If he didn’t get the video uploaded in time then he would lose a large amount of his followers and people would stop seeing him as a role model. How could he be a role model if he couldn’t even do his job correctly?

He rubbed at his eyes tiredly as he cursed to himself. He doubted that he would be able to get this video done by tomorrow since he still had to stream tomorrow as well. It felt like everyday was work to him. 

There wasn’t a day that he could get a break, and when there was he would just have to do chores around the house. There wasn’t a day where he could take care of himself.

He was so tired all the goddamn time. He would stay up most nights and only get about 3 hours of sleep at the least. He was glad it didn’t show in his streams and that none of his friends suspected a thing. 

He knew he’d get yelled at and forced to take breaks if they found out, so it was best to just push through it. Besides he had the best job in the world so he couldn’t really complain.

If he vented to the others about it he would seem ungrateful and he didn’t want to seem ungrateful. He was so grateful for his job, he just wished it took up less time and that he could actually focus on himself. 

He doesn’t remember the last time he did something he really enjoyed. Yes he enjoyed streaming but lately it just feels like another chore. It just feels like another thing to mourn over when he has to pretend like everything’s ok.

Pretending is exhausting and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep up the act. His mental health is shit, he knows this, yet he doesn’t care. Maybe he would care if he had more time to himself, but he knows that he can’t do that. 

It was more important to make his fans happy than himself, they were the reason he was doing what he loved. With that thought, he was just getting back to being ready to work for another 4 hours.

That was until he saw that Sapnap and Dream we’re in a call together. He had to pause and have a mini battle with his thoughts on what he should do. It was 6am now and he had to stream at 2pm tomorrow, he still had to edit a video and by the time he finished it would be about 10am. 

That would only be 4 hours of sleep and he was already fucking up his sleep schedule enough so he came to a conclusion that he just wouldn’t sleep tonight. 

He wondered what they were talking about. We’re they still streaming or were they just having a heart to heart conversation? His curiosity was getting the best of him and he wanted to join the call so badly just to distract from his thoughts. 

He knew he wouldn’t sleep tomorrow night either, or the night after that. Ya that’s what he would do, he’d stay up for 2 more nights after taking this tiny break to call with Dream and Sapnap.

He was telling himself that he would only be there for a few seconds and that he would go straight to working after because he didn’t have time for fun and games. 

He yawned once more and clicked on the ‘join call’ button, waiting for their reactions. Once he joined he heard them talking briefly about what they were gonna do for the next time they record the Dream SMP roleplay. 

Oh, so that meant they weren’t streaming. He was silently delighted that he didn’t have to pretend to more than 2 people. As soon as he joined they abruptly stopped their conversation and everything went silent, George wondered if he should just say it was an accident and leave.

“...George?” Dream asked, shock lingering in his voice. George immediately gulped and regretted his actions. He tried to control his thoughts as he was thinking of a way to respond. Everything was too loud in his brain and he just needed to stop thinking for a moment.

“-orge? Why are you up this late?” George blinked as he realized he had spaced out for a minute. Fuck, he really was sleep deprived. He fiddled with his fingers as he tried to avoid the question, he didn’t feel like talking about his feelings.

“Um, I’m just not tired. Must’ve been the caffeine I had at 3am.” He lied, he hoped it was believable enough. He just didn’t want to have the focus be on him while they talked. He just wanted to talk about anything else.

“You’re an idiot. You realize you stream tomorrow at 2pm right? Were you planning to sleep?” Dream asked with concern lacing his voice. George failed to find a good response to that. No, he wasn’t planning on sleeping tonight, how was he going to tell them that? The solution is, he won’t.

“Yeah, but I’ll be fine. I’ll just take naps throughout the day.” That was a good enough response for him. He didn’t need to explain any further, they didn’t need to know that he wasn’t going to stay true to his words.

“I’d rather have you just get a normal night's sleep, but it’s up to you I guess I can’t really stop you. Want to play Minecraft?” Dream asked once again and George felt his heart sting. He was going to make Dream upset if he said no to Minecraft but he had no choice.

“Sorry.. I think I’ll pass on that one. I just joined so that maybe I could fall asleep to voices or something like that, I don’t know.” He heard them both hum in agreement and he was happy that he had made them believe him. Now he just had to pretend like he would eventually go to sleep. Easy enough, right?

“It’s ok, I just was hoping to give you more flowers, but you do you.” Dream’s response made George’s heart flutter. He felt a small laugh escape from his lips, he was such a flirt, but he loved every bit of it. He knew his face was red as fuck after that so he was glad that is face cam was off. It wasn’t fair what Dream was able to do to him.

“Ha, no I don’t need any flowers.” He lied. “Sapnap do you want flowers? Dream seems to have plenty.” He heard Sapnap giggle at the offer, and Dream scoff. Why wouldn’t Dream want to give Sapnap flowers? He was just as good as friends with Sapnap. 

“I’m all good George, I think they were meant for you anyways. You’re the chosen one.” George rolled his eyes at that one. Chosen one? Now that was new, but it was ridiculous. He felt himself start to question Dream on why he was always being a flirt and giving him gifts when he didn’t do that for Sapnap.

“Oh shut up, I’m far from being the chosen one. Dream likes everyone the same, right Dream?” He asks, letting his curiosity win. He had always wondered if Dream liked him more than anyone else, or if he preferred him over anyone else in the Dream SMP. But that’d be impossible right? There were so many great people on the server. 

“Aha, yeah…yeah I guess.” Dream sounded so unsure which made George even more confused. Why was he acting so weird right now? It was making George a little upset because he shouldn’t be only choosing one person to favor. 

“You guess?? I’m right aren’t I? George is your favorite?” You could barely hear it, but Sapnaps voice was getting a little shaky. George suddenly regretted calling, and he thought of ways to avoid this conversation.

“Um. L-let's move on ok? Look- I’ll play Minecraft if we move on from this conversation.” He finally gave in if it meant that his friends would stop arguing, he really didn’t need that right now. He heard Sapnap take a deep breath.

“No Sapnap you’ve got it all wrong! I love both of you! I swear! I really appreciate both of you and wouldn’t be where I am now without you guys.” Dream answered honestly and George smiled at the confession. Dream was always showing his affection to them, if only George could do the same. He did really want to show his affection, but he was scared of getting attached and having to open up.

“Oh. Sorry that I assumed..” Sapnap replied sheepishly. You could tell that he was embarrassed for overreacting. George couldn’t really blame him though. If Dream was giving affection to only Sapnap he’d be jealous too. 

“It’s ok Sapnap. But I really do mean it. I love both of you a fucking lot.” Dream answered and you could practically hear him smiling. George knew he was blushing a lot but he ignored it and just told himself it was platonic blushing. He wanted to join into this conversation but decided against it to avoid talking about feelings.

“I love you too Dream.” Sapnap said, giggling after. There then was silence in the call. George didn’t really know what to say. He wasn’t sure if they were waiting for his reply or if they were just enjoying the moment. George bit his lip as anxiety took over. He hated silence. Hated, hated, hated-

“George, are you still with us?” Sapnap asked with worry in his voice. George felt his breathing stop and he closed his eyes trying to ground himself again. He took a shaky breath as he pretended to smile even though they couldn’t see him.

“Yea, I’m still here.” He replied semi confidently. Sapnap hummed but it didn’t sound like he was convinced. That didn’t help George’s internal panic. Did they know about his mental health? Did he accidentally slip up in a text somewhere? Did he accidentally say it in a stream?-

“You sound sad, is everything ok?” Fuck. Why was Sapnap asking so many questions? He didn’t need to know. George wished he would just mind his own business. He knew he cared and everything but it wasn’t helping to talk about it. 

“I’m fine Sapnap.” Was all he said. It was stern and probably wasn’t convincing at all. He was just annoyed because it was 6am and he really didn’t want to be asked questions about this. It was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

“George. You’ve been acting off this week. We were actually just talking about it before you joined the call.” Dream confessed, his voice small. Now that made George’s heart sink. They were talking about him? What the fuck? What were they saying? Was it bad?- 

“Hey. We don’t mean like- talking shit. We weren’t talking bad about you. We’re just worried.” Sapnap confirmed before George could even complain. George’s thoughts paused for a moment. How did he know what he was thinking?

“Yeah- you know we love you right? We don’t want you to feel like you have to lie to us or anything.” George tried to keep in a sob as he choked it down. He hated being like this. Not being able to open up to the people he loved. Not being able to show simple signs of affection. Was he broken? There was no explanation for why he was like this.

“Thanks guys but I’m fine, really. I’ve just been a little sick.” He lied again. It wasn’t fully a lie. He was sick with something else. Sick with some kind of mental illness. He heard a soft gasp over the call and he rolled his eyes. They were being so dramatic. They really didn’t have to worry. He could handle himself.

“Sick? Why didn’t you tell us?” They asked at the same time. George groaned and put his head onto his desk in frustration. All he wanted was a distraction and they weren’t letting anything go. He felt like slamming his head into a wall.

“Because! You guys always baby me if I’m a little off! I’m fine. I’m an adult.” He argued and wished he would just get punched so he could pass out. They were annoying the hell out of him and he was so overly tired.

“Ok ok! We were just asking. You should really sleep if you’re sick though. O-only if you want to! No babying here.” Sapnap caught himself and chuckled nervously. George sighed in annoyance and decided that he should probably head off the call. He was getting pissed and a tired and angry George was not a good combo. 

“Sorry George, we didn’t mean to pry. I really hope you do get better. Can you ever forgive us?” Dream asked dramatically. George scoffed jokingly and thought about it for a moment causing them to become impatient and worried that he would say no. 

“Oh shut up. You know I’m not actually mad.” George was back to his normal self and felt the weight lift off of his shoulders. He was able to get away from the questions for now. But he knew they’d come back eventually. He’d just have to be careful about how he was acting from now on.

“We know, we just love teasing you.” Dream said teasingly. George sighed as he knew the teasing would never stop. But he didn’t really mind it at all. It usually made him laugh when he wasn’t upset.

“Wow really? I didn’t notice. Anyways you two have fun playing Minecraft and doing.. whatever Minecraft players do. I’m going to bed.” He lied and knew ‘going to bed’ just meant overworking himself even more throughout the night. He heard the others laugh.

“Ok, sleep well George!” Sapnap cheerfully replied.

“Ya, don’t let the bed bugs bite!” Dream chimed in and George smiled softly at their comments.

“Bye.” he answered and hung up. He let out a long breath he didn’t know he was holding and leaned back into his chair. That took a lot of fucking energy out of him. What time even was it? He glanced at the clock and gasped as he saw the time. 8am? What the fuck? It was just barely 6am-

He felt his eyes start to water because that was 2 hours wasted. Two hours wasted of when he could’ve been productive and could’ve at least done some editing and would have finished a video. “FUCK!” he yelled and punched his desk with his fist, wincing at the pain after he pulled his hand back.

He choked back a sob as he felt his stomach growl. Everything in his system was breaking down. His eyes were heavy as hell- his stomach was in pain from how much he wasn’t eating, his stench was horrific from how much he hadn't showered, his throat felt like it was on fire from how much he wasn’t drinking, his room was a fucking torando of trash. 

He felt like if he stood up he was just going to collapse on the ground. He hasn’t done a single thing to just even be able to live properly. He scrunched his eyes shut and tried to ignore the thoughts going at rapid speed. He wasn’t able to focus on anything and the dissociation was becoming worse by the second.

Everything around him was spinning, and he felt like it was impossible to even open his eyes. Everything was too loud, he was frozen in his place, he trembled as he felt himself drowning in panic.

But even so, through all of the panic one single phrase stuck out in his mind before everything shut down. 

‘I’m fine, everything’s fine’

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed ! this is my first fic and I'm pretty nervous about posting it. Please feel free to give me feedback and thank you for reading!


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